Tuesday, January 1, 2013

The Year of Good Intentions

Me, center.
 
So, it's been awhile. I had a solid start at the beginning of last year, careened into a million different endeavors, and was successful at some, a raging failure at others.

I sit here at my favorite mid century desk, a thirty dollar find at a Northwest Houston thrift store, and wonder what lies before me. Everything I've ever known to be my life will soon change. At the beginning of last year, I was a stay at home mom. I soon became a working mom. I will now become a single mom.

Some relationships are flawed from their inception. And some masochistic leanings, or you can call it dogged optimism, keeps them chugging along. It can be comfort, complacence, fear, or just plain habit...

Last year I changed so many things about myself. Things I hadn't been able to change before. Internally, things began to shift. What was good enough before didn't seem to be good enough anymore. And I also noticed that I'd become a less likeable person. I continued to make decisions knowing full and well they were the wrong ones. Before, I'd lived a life built on the decisions others made for me (because I wasn't strong enough to make them myself). But I began to make choices regardless of those I knew I'd hurt and eventually it blew up in my face.

Still, I sit here knowing that what should be, will be. Eventually. God or Fate or whatever you want to call it has a plan for each and every one of us. Mostly, it's not something we think we want. But what we want and what we need are universes apart.

What do I need? What lessons am I supposed to learn? What choices should I be making?

I'm sure I'll fumble and stumble along these answers as time progresses. For now, I feel an invisible hand guiding me along. Remonstrating. Reminding. Urging. Cautioning.

No one can make you happy but yourself. I know this. I've learned this. But it's a truth I have to keep relearning.

Distraction is mere distraction. You can't live life on candy. Or by being caught up in the bright and the shiny and glittery moments.

If it's a secret, then it's something you shouldn't be doing.

Solitude is not the same thing as loneliness.

Last year, I began running. It's not something I do as much as I'd like, especially because of time constraints, but it's taught me so many things. Running is all about capturing the fullness of the moment. About finding your rhythm. About getting your heart and head and hands and feet to sync. It's a symphony of body and spirit, a merging of momentum and will.

And it began to show me that change was possible. Is possible. Keep your head up, your mind clear, your breathing steady, and you can do anything. You can go as far as you want to go.

Our only limitations lie within us. Within the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves. When we change the opening line, we change everything thereafter. And we may wander off the right path, or trip, or fall into a rabbit hole, but by taking ownership of every occurrence we become better people moment by moment.

Last year I wondered what Life would bring me.

This year, I wonder what I will bring to my life.